Candy Cain!!!

Boot camp is all about routines.  Every morning we get out of the rack when the dreaded "LIGHTS, LIGHTS, LIGHTS" gets yelled and we get dressed as fast as possible and on line for the head count.  All the recruits in the platoon stand on line at the POA (position of attention) while the drill instructors count the recruits and rifles.  In the beginning of boot camp all the DIs participated in the count.  We've gotten to the point that it's usually Sgt Cain who does the count.  Sgt Cain is the most hated of the DIs.  Everything the man does is annoying.  His voice just makes the skin crawl and just resonates in the small of your back.  He always wants the platoon's complete attention and then talks out of his ass.  When a DI yells "Zero" all the recruits have to literally stop and freeze in position and yell "Freeze Recruit Freeze."  The DI can leave you in this position for however long they want.  Cain is the worst offender of this.  Despite all his habits that have so endeared him to the recruits of Platoon 2070 one stands alone as the most hated.  In the morning while we stand on line at the POA he will correct recruits hand placement.  It's not the action so much as his particular method.  In the POA, proper hand placement is thumb on the trouser seem and knuckles against your leg.  If Sgt Cain feels that your hand is too far forward or back or that your hand is against your leg, he will adjust you by opening his index finger and thumb and jabbing this open claw into the fleshy part of your wrist between the bones of your hand and arm. (BTW if you don't think that will hurt or is annoying, open your hand like I said and now jab into your other wrist...  I'll wait...  See what I mean!!!)  You can see guys wince and glare at him when he does this.  You can see it in their eyes that they want to punch him right in his Where's Waldo looking face!!!

Now we all hate Sgt Cain, but Colson hates him to the point where he has become outright hostile.  Colson is a 5'10 fat black kid from Kentucky.  He is such a hick that I honestly question whether or not he ever owned shoes before he joined the Marines.  Colson tends to stand at the POA with his his fists pointed out instead of in and everyday Cain adjusts him.  Colson is stupid, annoying and unpleasant to be around, but he does have one talent.  He can throw his voice.  He has figured a way to talk out the side of his mouth and make it appear that it's not him.  He likes to do this to Sgt Cain.  After Sgt Cain passes him Colson will yell "C-A-I-N!!!!" in a high pitched squeal.  This drives Sgt Cain crazy.  He flips out every time and we all get punished.  No matter what he does to us, we won't tell him that it's Colson. While I think Colson is a total idiot I will give him his due, he won't do it when any of the other DIs are around.  After a week of yelling "C-A-I-N!!"  He decided to add "C-A-N-D-Y" to it.  I thought I had seen Cain at his maddest but "C-A-N-D-Y C-A-I-N!!!" pisses him off to end.  It's getting to the point where I personally can't believe that he doesn't know it's Colson yet.  I also can't believe that he hasn't caught him yet.  It's just another way that this place is completely insane.  Colson antagonizes Cain, Cain cusses us out and punishes us and nobody says anything.  Colson is becoming as unpopular as Cain.

This all came to a head last night.  Cain was the on duty DI for the night.  Colson pulled his little stunt twice and we got reamed out.  After lights out, Cain went into his office and shut the door.  About five minutes after he went into his office Colson decided to yell "C-A-N-D-Y C-A-I-N!!!" at the top of his lungs.  Before anyone could laugh Cain's voice came out of nowhere "THAT'S IT!!!  I CAUGHT YOU COLSON YOU FAT STUPID BASTARD!!!  GET UP AND INTO MY OFFICE YOU'RE DONE!!!"  First of all, I saw Cain go into his office, so I'm wondering what ninja technique the sneaky bastard used to get back into the squad bay?!?  Second, see first question?!?!  WOW!!!  This morning the Senior told us that Colson had been dropped from our platoon and that anyone else who wanted to test the DIs would meet the same fate!  I still can't believe how Cain caught him.  I'm actually in a state of awe right now.