Remember in kindergarten when the teachers and our parents used to say "Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me"? That is an absolute crock of steaming horse manure and Drill Instructor school teaches people how to say the most cutting and evil things. Most of the time they can do it without cussing. Nothing is off limits to a DI: How you look, act, talk, eat; Where you're from; Who your parents are; What race or nationality you are; Why you joined the Marines. All these things are on the table and the results can be comically cruel.
My platoon has a Russian kid named Andrei Chernyshev. He has a thick accent. I'm talking about a spy movie thick accent and English is not his first language. Throw in the fact that we aren't allowed to speak in the first person lets the jokes write themselves when it comes to his interactions with the DIs. The Senior, The Heavy, Smith and Cain either can't pronounce his last name or purposely don't. Every time Chernyshev tries to ask or answer a question, they cut him off. He has been called Chernobyl, Moscow, Siberia, Cherry Blossom, Cherny-whatever, Commie, Rusky, KGB and my personal favorite, Sputnik. The Heavy stood in front of him and started asking him about his family. His parents are immigrants. Andrei has four brothers. It turns out that one is in the Army, one is in the Navy, one is in the Air Force and one is in the Coast Guard. Upon hearing this, the Heavy accused him of being a spy and ordered him onto the quarter deck!
We have a set of identical twin brothers, Alex and Justin Wilhelmsen. They are rack mates. They stand right next to each other on line. The DIs mispronounce their names: Wilshammer, Windjammer, Wisenheimer. They've called them Thing 1 and Thing 2. They've asked each of them which one is the smart one and quarter decked them both no matter how they answer. They've accused them of using telepathy and quarter decked them for that. The Heavy stood in front of one and asked him if twins could feel each other's pain? He decided to do an experiment. He punched him in the chest and asked his brother if he felt it. When the other one said no, he hit him again and asked again. This happened about five times before his brother finally said he felt it. Then the Heavy simply moved over and began the experiment again with the other one. The DIs would send one to the quarter deck and yell "Take your idiot brother with you!"
One of the squad leaders is named David Umoren. Now in case you don't see the comic aspect of this perhaps I should explain how his name is pronounced. I sounds exactly how it looks phonetically, or like you moron. I can only imagine how the DIs felt when they saw his name on the roster. I mean this is like Barry Bonds playing bar league softball. It's just plain unfair. Add that to the fact that he is from the Caribbean and has an accent, well I think you get the idea. Another recruit's name is Allan Gay. Another grapefruit pitch. Thomas Berger. How many variations of that name do you think you can list? Samuel Silin. One of his many nicknames was Silly, but for some reason whenever they call him that it never seemed funny.
Blending in is not really an option. Somehow, someway, they seem to find something on each of us. It's only a matter of what it is and when. There's a blue light special in the insult department and it's on all our gear lists.
