Company Commander's Inspection

The end is in sight.  My leg is better.  I am still absolutely amazed by what happens around here.  We had our Company Commander's Inspection this week.  This was the first time we got to wear our dress uniforms.  No, not the awesome high collared dress blues but the greens.  Still, it was cool.  The funny thing about this inspection was the preliminary inspection.  Everything we do here has a purpose, even when the purpose seems ridiculous.  After we put our uniforms on, we had to stand on our foot lockers while The Heavy checked our belts.  Why were standing on our footlockers you ask? Well for two reasons: 1) By standing on our lockers our belts were at eye level for the inspection. 2) We were less likely to get our shoes and pants dirty if we weren't walking around.  Unfortunately for me, this was also where I got in big time trouble.  Throck was on the foot locker next to mine and he turns to me and says, "Tell me the truth Connors, do I look like a bag of ass?"  Now before I answer allow me to explain what he looked like.  As I've mentioned before, Throck looks like Drew Carey.  He lost 50 pounds before he came to boot camp.  He lost 50 pounds at boot camp and he was still about 15 pounds over weight.  His uniform wasn't cut right. His shirt and trousers were too tight and his trousers were too short.  When he put his belt on he had a muffin top above and below it.  His trousers didn't go to the shoe well like they're supposed to... they didn't even reach his shoes.  So to sum up; he's short, chubby, has super thick glasses, his uniform is too tight and short and YES he looked like a bag of ass!! I didn't even get a chance to answer him, I just started to laugh.  I laughed out loud hard.  I laughed so hard I was bent over and my tongue was sticking out and I couldn't catch my breath.  This was the FUNNIEST thing I had seen in ten weeks!!! Unfortunately I didn't see the Heavy coming toward me.  He got right up on me and hit me square in the chest with an open palm thrust so hard it knocked me right off my foot locker.  When I stood up he was right on me.  The brim of his cover headbutted me and he was nose to nose with me.  He had the pair of scissors he was using to cut web belts up to my throat and screamed at me "WHAT THE F@#$ DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!? LAUGHING?!?! YOU THINK SOMETHING IS SO GOD DAMN FUNNY THAT YOU'RE GONNA LOSE YOUR COMPOSURE AND STICK YOUR TONGUE OUT?!? HOW FUNNY IS IT NOW?!?!" I answer "Sir, this recruit is completely wrong, Sir! Sir, nothing is funny, Sir!"  In my head however I'm looking right into his eyes and thinking "GO AHEAD YOU SON OF A BITCH!!! STAB ME IN THE NECK!! GO AHEAD!! STAB ME!!! DO IT!!! YOU'LL GO TO JAIL AND I'LL GET TO LEAVE THIS HELL HOLE!!!" At this moment, it hit me that I've changed since I came here.  Ten weeks ago I would have shit myself if someone had done that to me instead of hoping he would just get it over with.  The Heavy told me to get back on my foot locker and that he'd make me pay later.  When I got back up, my rack mate Mike was staring straight ahead trying not to laugh until he made eye contact with me and then we were both chuckling under our breath.  What the hell has this place done to me?!?!